Reflecting on Fear

For some time now, I've had thoughts spinning around in my head that I knew would be appropriately shared in this blog. For some reason though, reflecting on the fear I'm feeling at the moment in such a public forum is a scary though (hmmmm.... I wonder why?). At the same time, I have this sense that I am on the brink of some significant personal and professional growth. Transforming this potential energy I feel into something kinetic is going to take some help and guidance from folks who have been on this journey before me. I'm hoping that as a result of this post, I may learn some things from you which will help me work through my fears and arrive mostly intact on the other side.

My decision to pursue teaching, which I made in February 2010, had two major components: 1) Childhood dream to teach which I realized I needed to explore in order to true to myself 2) Dissatisfaction with the career path I'm presently on in Quality Assurance for aerospace and defense related applications.

Prior to taking any classes towards my licensure, I was picturing myself as a successful teacher in front of the classroom with my students in desks neatly arranged into rows. This is the learning model that I grew up in and so, it is what I pictured my life as a future teacher would be.

Now, I'm completely enthralled with the notion of teacher as facilitator in an inquiry driven classroom. I want to engage my students in the 5E/7E learning model and am really hoping to learn more about Standards Based Grading (SBG) with the hopes of utilizing it in the future. I am facing the unknown as far as my own personal experiences are concerned, and frankly I'm a bit terrified at times.

In Carol Ann Tomlinson's book "How to Differentiate Instruction in Mixed-Ability Classrooms" I found myself identifying with her description of the needs of advanced learners (pages 11 - 12). I have become focused on grades/test scores as an indiction of my success more so than my understanding of material. I am a perfectionist who often won't start things for fear of failure or will abandon a project mid-way if something has gone awry. I also tend to avoid things I think I'm not already good at. I don't have a sense of self-efficacy. Feeling like an imposter has been a theme for me in basically every job I've held since graduating from college with my BS in Physics.

All of these items are leading me to feel a bit paralyzed right now as I wrestle with the realities of teacher I want to become. A classroom based on inquiry and exploration, where failures are just as important as successes if not more so, where grades are a reflection of what you truly know, is a classroom that I would struggle in if I were dropped into it today. I want to create a classroom which goes against all of the things I've clung tightly to for most of my young adult and adult life and because I know that it is the right thing for me to do for my students (and myself), I'm scared. I need to do this. It's not an option. I must face my fears and work through them in order to become the teacher I want to and feel I am called to be.

In an article called "A Smoother Acceleration" by Christine Chapman in March 2009 "The Science Teacher", I recently read about "the three dimensions of motivaton and and attitude that comprise students' self-concepts, or perceptions of their own academic abilities." (pg 43) They are "self-efficacy, interest, and membership." I mentioned above that my self-efficacy is lacking at the present time. My interest in this path I'm on is quite high. I'm exploring things outside my courses that have me engaged in the teaching profession such as EdCamp, NTCamp, EduCon, and various teachers' blogs to name a few. Membership refers to the sense of community I feel. Ever since EdCamp Philly, I've been exploring the education community in Twitter and although my Twitter and face 2 face interactions with you have been limited thus far, the sense of community I feel is still amazing. This is evidenced for me by the fact that I'm writing this right now with the intention of sharing it with you and trusting that I may find some of the support I need to work through what I'm struggling with.

How do I work on my self-efficacy then in the education context? I'm hopeful that my experience student teaching this coming Spring (hopefully in an inquiry environment) will result in tremendous growth and a confidence in my abilities to grow as a teacher. I know that I will have many struggles and challenges but I also know that I will need to journey through them in order to continue along this path. Hopefully I will have many successes during that time as well. I'm not really sure of other work I can be doing right now though to head in the right direction other than to stay on this path.

If you have resources or suggestions that you feel may be helpful, please pass them along. I'm committed to this journey I'm on and am grateful for anyone who lends me a hand along the way.