For some time now, I've had thoughts spinning around in my head that I knew would be appropriately shared in this blog. For some reason though, reflecting on the fear I'm feeling at the moment in such a public forum is a scary though (hmmmm.... I wonder why?). At the same time, I have this sense that I am on the brink of some significant personal and professional growth. Transforming this potential energy I feel into something kinetic is going to take some help and guidance from folks who have been on this journey before me. I'm hoping that as a result of this post, I may learn some things from you which will help me work through my fears and arrive mostly intact on the other side.
My decision to pursue teaching, which I made in February 2010, had two major components: 1) Childhood dream to teach which I realized I needed to explore in order to true to myself 2) Dissatisfaction with the career path I'm presently on in Quality Assurance for aerospace and defense related applications.
Prior to taking any classes towards my licensure, I was picturing myself as a successful teacher in front of the classroom with my students in desks neatly arranged into rows. This is the learning model that I grew up in and so, it is what I pictured my life as a future teacher would be.
Now, I'm completely enthralled with the notion of teacher as facilitator in an inquiry driven classroom. I want to engage my students in the 5E/7E learning model and am really hoping to learn more about Standards Based Grading (SBG) with the hopes of utilizing it in the future. I am facing the unknown as far as my own personal experiences are concerned, and frankly I'm a bit terrified at times.
In Carol Ann Tomlinson's book "How to Differentiate Instruction in Mixed-Ability Classrooms" I found myself identifying with her description of the needs of advanced learners (pages 11 - 12). I have become focused on grades/test scores as an indiction of my success more so than my understanding of material. I am a perfectionist who often won't start things for fear of failure or will abandon a project mid-way if something has gone awry. I also tend to avoid things I think I'm not already good at. I don't have a sense of self-efficacy. Feeling like an imposter has been a theme for me in basically every job I've held since graduating from college with my BS in Physics.
All of these items are leading me to feel a bit paralyzed right now as I wrestle with the realities of teacher I want to become. A classroom based on inquiry and exploration, where failures are just as important as successes if not more so, where grades are a reflection of what you truly know, is a classroom that I would struggle in if I were dropped into it today. I want to create a classroom which goes against all of the things I've clung tightly to for most of my young adult and adult life and because I know that it is the right thing for me to do for my students (and myself), I'm scared. I need to do this. It's not an option. I must face my fears and work through them in order to become the teacher I want to and feel I am called to be.
In an article called "A Smoother Acceleration" by Christine Chapman in March 2009 "The Science Teacher", I recently read about "the three dimensions of motivaton and and attitude that comprise students' self-concepts, or perceptions of their own academic abilities." (pg 43) They are "self-efficacy, interest, and membership." I mentioned above that my self-efficacy is lacking at the present time. My interest in this path I'm on is quite high. I'm exploring things outside my courses that have me engaged in the teaching profession such as EdCamp, NTCamp, EduCon, and various teachers' blogs to name a few. Membership refers to the sense of community I feel. Ever since EdCamp Philly, I've been exploring the education community in Twitter and although my Twitter and face 2 face interactions with you have been limited thus far, the sense of community I feel is still amazing. This is evidenced for me by the fact that I'm writing this right now with the intention of sharing it with you and trusting that I may find some of the support I need to work through what I'm struggling with.
How do I work on my self-efficacy then in the education context? I'm hopeful that my experience student teaching this coming Spring (hopefully in an inquiry environment) will result in tremendous growth and a confidence in my abilities to grow as a teacher. I know that I will have many struggles and challenges but I also know that I will need to journey through them in order to continue along this path. Hopefully I will have many successes during that time as well. I'm not really sure of other work I can be doing right now though to head in the right direction other than to stay on this path.
If you have resources or suggestions that you feel may be helpful, please pass them along. I'm committed to this journey I'm on and am grateful for anyone who lends me a hand along the way.
Welcome to the teaching profession. I am a first year 7th grade science teacher who switched careers mid-life from scientific research to teaching. I student taught last year and came out of that experience feeling unsure of this path, but am now very glad I persevered.
ReplyDeleteI see parts of me of over a year ago in your post with the fears, the amazing discoveries in how teaching and education can and is different than when we were in school and the desires to be a great facilitator in the classroom. My experience so far is that it is uphill this first year...in a good way, meaning I am learning a ton. I never have enough time to truly do backwards planning the way I would like, I scramble for lessons and great material, and I am still struggling to really create a perfect unit and lesson on the 5E model. I think I am hitting some of it at times, but not in a formal way. I am still learning how 7th graders think and process information, how I need to take smaller steps and help them make connections even to concepts that seem to me to be obvious. Oh yeah, and they really want you to be consistent with your boundaries and consequences. They are unhappy if you are not.
I jumped straight into SBG grading because I have a mentor and school that will allow me to take this time to figure it out. I have not hit the mark on the grading policy yet, but nobody has suffered any more than in a points and averaging system ( I don't think). I just haven't mastered the important part of being able to have students become responsible for their own progress and learning. I try things and assess and tweak.
I commend you for blogging at this point. I started a blog, but have not been motivated to write since I started teaching. I have learned so much from the teacher blog/twitter community as well and credit them for keeping me motivated during this year to keep striving to learn to be a better teacher.
I lucked into a great school with really supportive and progressive administration. This makes a huge difference for me. Good luck with the student teaching and if you have any power to influence who you are placed with and can manage to get information on teachers who are masters at inquiry, do all you can to get placed there. I learned some good stuff, but missed having the experience of being in a truly inquiry based (or even inquiry sometimes) classroom.
"All of these items are leading me to feel a bit paralyzed right now as I wrestle with the realities of teacher I want to become. A classroom based on inquiry and exploration, where failures are just as important as successes if not more so, where grades are a reflection of what you truly know, is a classroom that I would struggle in if I were dropped into it today. I want to create a classroom which goes against all of the things I've clung tightly to for most of my young adult and adult life and because I know that it is the right thing for me to do for my students (and myself), I'm scared. I need to do this. It's not an option. I must face my fears and work through them in order to become the teacher I want to and feel I am called to be."
ReplyDeleteRemember, it's OK for you to fail as well. As a 1st year, you are going to have so much going on. I hope you'll have a great physics colleague to help you out (lesson plans, exams, demos, etc.). Do you remember what it was first like to drive? For me, it seemed like there was so much going on and so much to pay attention to that it was overwhelming. Over time, it gets easier and your brain knows what to pay attention to and what to tune out. I think teaching is the same way.
You have the passion and the vision. Don't lose them no matter how frustrating or overwhelming teaching gets.
And don't forget we're here to help, too!
Looking forward to meeting you and all the other science and math tweeps at EdCampNYC!